Adult Attachment Styles and Their Effect on Relationships

Adult attachment styles describe the way people interact with others in close relationships and how they connect with them on an emotional level.

According to attachment theory, there are four different adult attachment styles: secure attachment, which is the ideal one, and three others that are classified as insecure. All of them are shaped by the type of bond infants develop with their primary caregiver.

This first emotional connection determines the way they learn to view themselves, others, and the world, and becomes a prototype for how they navigate their relationships in adulthood.

Although people may at times exhibit traits across the continuum of attachment styles, they will typically fall into one of the following.

Four types of adult attachment styles

Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style tend to have a positive view of themselves and of others and to feel confident in their relationships. They are resilient, able to handle conflict in a healthy way, lead balanced lives, openly communicate their feelings, and ask for support when they need it.

Because their needs for love and security were met in infancy, they are more likely to trust their partner, expect him or her to reciprocate their love, and give him or her space for alone time without feeling rejected or threatened.

Anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style tend to be insecure, self-critical, and needy, and to have a negative view of themselves. They derive their sense of self-worth from their relationships and tend to suffer from extreme anxiety when their partner is away.

Because their primary caregiver alternated unpredictably between warmth and rejection and was never consistently available during infancy, they have grown into adults with a deep-rooted fear of being abandoned and they spend a lot of time worrying about their relationships. Their need for constant reassurance and validation can be exhausting and turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives their partner away.

Dismissive attachment

People with a dismissive attachment style tend to be loners who do not want to feel tied down. They have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others.

Because their primary caregiver was emotionally unavailable, they stopped turning to him or her for comfort, learned to be independent and self-reliant, and as adults, preferred to keep others from getting too close. They are uncomfortable with intimacy, prefer casual relationships, and tend to become distant or end the relationship if it starts to get serious.

Disorganized attachment

People with a disorganized attachment style tend to have an unstable, fluctuating view of themselves and others, as well as mixed feelings about relationships. They want to feel close to people but have trouble trusting them and may push them away for fear of being hurt or rejected. Also known as fearful-avoidant attachment, this attachment style is usually the result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.

If your relationship is struggling from the effects of an insecure attachment style, take heart. Adult attachment styles are not carved in stone. They can be changed with committed effort and the help of a therapist.

Counseling can help you and your partner recognize and understand your attachment styles, identify patterns, gain insight into each other’s needs and behaviors, and learn how to work through and resolve your challenges.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at Frisco Christian Counseling, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. Your first appointment is risk-free.