How to Build Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves, and the value we place on ourselves. It is shaped throughout our lives and is impacted by all of our experiences, both good and bad. Self-esteem is not stable and might fluctuate or dip at certain points as we go through seasons of growth. Sometimes our self-esteem can change by the day or even by the hour.

Our self-esteem is directly linked to the choices we make, our motivation, the types of treatment we accept from others, our confidence levels, and our mental health. Self-esteem can be improved and built up.

Doing so will help us to be happier, more resilient to criticism and adversity, bolder in our choices, and more decisive. There is no quick fix to building self-esteem and it should be approached as a long-term goal.

What does low self-esteem look like?

Sometimes low self-esteem is fairly obvious in people, but most of the time adults who have low self-esteem tend to mask it with certain behaviors. This is because living with poor self-esteem or a negative self-image comes with feelings of shame and fear. Over time, this masking behavior may result in us developing false personas that we hide our negative self-image behind.

The Imposter

The Imposter is the person who appears grounded, content with their life, and possibly thriving in their career. However, below the surface, they are battling a crippling fear of failure and perfectionism and might be experiencing burnout. They are often competitive people, deriving temporary satisfaction from “winning” and gaining the upper hand.

The Rebel

A common masking behavior is to act as if others’ opinions do not matter, and that their criticisms or opinions are of no consequence. In truth, The Rebel is deeply affected by others’ opinions but is also angry over feeling like they do not measure up or fit into a standard.

They develop hard exteriors and delight in their independence because it affords them a space that only permits their own opinion of themselves. The lack of accountability and vulnerability in their lives also means a lack of intimacy, leading to depression and loneliness.

The Victim

In contrast to the rebel is the victim. They portray an image of utter helplessness and vulnerability in hopes of inspiring sympathy and manipulating compassion or concern. In relationships, they are clingy and needy, but will rarely assume responsibility or initiative.

The victim is terrified of the idea of taking responsibility or making necessary changes for their lives to be successful, relying instead on others to determine their failure or success. In this way, they believe they can escape blame and shame for failure.

Poor self-esteem does not always result in us developing these personas. It may simply look like a feeling of unworthiness, distrust of others’ motives, or people-pleasing behavior. It is often fueled by negative comparisons, such as comparing our lifestyle, looks, or successes with people on social media.

Comparing ourselves to others is not always bad; observing someone else’s success can even be inspirational. But if that comparison leads to feelings of hopelessness and dejection, it is toxic and contributes to low self-esteem.

The impact of low self-esteem

Much of the time, persistent low self-esteem is developed from childhood. Treatment in childhood like harsh criticism, abuse, neglect, bullying, and the pressure to be perfect are all experiences that may continue to shape our self-image into adulthood.

In addition to fostering poor self-esteem, these events may cause depression, anxiety, fear of failure, and negative self-speech. We may believe that we are deserving of poor treatment or negative consequences, or we may become bitter and resentful of our lives in comparison to others.

Frequently low self-esteem causes us to feel ashamed of our physical appearance. This is true for both men and women. The societal pressures and beauty standards are different for the genders, but the feeling of not looking quite good enough is the same. This particular aspect of low self-esteem might cause us to become withdrawn or isolated, or develop eating disorders and complicated relationships with our bodies.

Low self-esteem tends to spiral downwards. It is often the root cause of issues like anxiety and depression. We might become impaired in our jobs, stuck in our careers, and unhappy in our relationships. For these reasons, the very thought of improving our self-esteem might be overwhelming, and an unrealistic goal. However, it is achievable and like any journey, begins with a few simple steps.

Three steps to building self-esteem

Building our self-esteem begins with being willing to change. Low self-esteem can often prevent us from taking steps to self-improvement because it is attached to a fear of failure. Even simply entertaining the possibility that we can improve our self-esteem, or that we deserve to be healthier and happier, is a good place to start.

1. Challenge your inner critic.

Low self-esteem is perpetuated by an internal voice that criticizes our failures, invites negative comparisons, or makes illogical leaps. This can sound like thoughts that tell us, “You didn’t get that promotion.

That is because you are not good at this job and you never have been”, or, “You will never be as beautiful as her; that’s why you’re single”. Even positive events are criticized by this inner voice. It might say “She complimented you on your achievement. She doesn’t know that you only barely passed.”

It can be exhausting work to challenge this inner critic, but it is necessary to do so. You might start by simply making a record throughout the day of every negative thought you have. Review them one by one with a friend or a counselor, and challenge each one. Reword each statement. “You will never be as beautiful as her” might become “I have my type of beauty because I am unique.” Saying each sentence aloud will reinforce its statement.

It might be necessary for this activity to become part of a routine. Eventually, each negative thought will automatically be challenged as it crops up. We might not believe every assertion, but it is enough to begin merely challenging the inner critic.

2. Be compassionate to yourself.

It doesn’t end there, though. After challenging our negative inner thoughts, we need to begin being compassionate to ourselves. Self-compassion can look like forgiving ourselves for our failures, being gentle and patient with ourselves, giving room for imperfections, and acknowledging the validity of our emotions.

Each aspect of self-compassion is a task in and of itself, and depending on our past experiences, we might need to focus on one aspect of self-compassion more than others. For example, if we find it particularly difficult to accept our failures, we might need to put ourselves in more situations where we are sure to fail. If we can fail freely, and not berate ourselves for each one, we will have achieved freedom and a kind of self-kindness.

3. Determine your needs.

This one will be different for each individual. As we have seen that there are many personas that we develop to mask low self-esteem, so we have many root causes for self-esteem. Some of us may have a difficult time saying “no” to people and may find a boost from people-pleasing. In this case, we need to set firmer boundaries for ourselves.

If our struggles with self-esteem are primarily rooted in negative comparison, it may be necessary to delete social media apps from our phones, or perhaps to have conversations with rival coworkers. If we have been avoiding taking responsibility for our actions and playing the victim, we might have to have some difficult conversations with partners or spouses.

The point of each of these actions is to do something that will ultimately help us in the long term. These are practical ways of promoting our well-being, though are challenging. Low self-esteem often means we do not meet our own needs or are not aware of them. By determining a practical need, and following through with an action, we have already begun conquering our fears and prioritizing ourselves.

Reaching Out

It is not uncommon to isolate ourselves when dealing with low self-esteem. This could mean that there is no one whom we can approach when wanting to build self-esteem. In this case, we might need the help of a counselor or therapist.

These are professionals who understand psychology, and who have worked on themselves to overcome similar difficulties. They are available to listen and to work with you as you work toward healing and self-improvement.

Contact us at your convenience to book an appointment with a counselor. All sessions are confidential and you determine to what depth you feel comfortable sharing. It is never too late to begin working on your mental health.