Identifying an Emotionally Abusive Relationship and Finding Healing

People can do the worst kind of harm to other people. Instead of using the gift of speech to celebrate one another, or to encourage each other, we can tear each other down, lie to each other, or undermine one another (Ephesians 4:29; James 3:1-12). Such harm can occur even in our closest relationships, which makes it all the more painful because we are most vulnerable to the people we love, which is why an emotionally abusive relationship is so devastating.

If you’re in a situation where you’re being subjected to emotional abuse, it’s possible for it to feel normal and part of how you relate to one another. This can make it doubly hard to address the issues in the relationship and change patterns of thought and behavior to draw the relationship toward healthy outcomes. If these harmful patterns are identified, with hard and consistent work from both parties, things can turn around.

Identifying an emotionally abusive relationship

Emotional abuse is a form of behavior that’s aimed at controlling another person by chipping away at their self-confidence, isolating them, shaming them, blaming them, and undermining their self-esteem. It usually takes the form of bullying behaviors and words intended to undermine the value and well-being of another person.

It may sound surprising that emotional abuse can be hard to detect. However, emotional abuse can be quite subtle, and the way it affects people can make it hard for them to confidently pinpoint the abuse as it’s happening. When a person suffers emotional abuse, one effect is to undermine their sense of self, their self-worth, as well as their self-esteem, and that can create a psychological dependence on the abuser.

Emotional abuse can feel normal, and all the more so if you question your own judgment about the experiences you’re having. Naming the kinds of behaviors that make up emotional abuse can help one identify them more readily, and to start moving to change things in the relationship. Some emotionally abusive behaviors include the following:
manipulating you and making you feel guilty

• Yelling at you.
• Name-calling.
• Using your fears or other emotions to control a situation.
• Humiliating you in public or in private.
• Making jokes at your expense.
• Being invalidated.
• Spewing insults or otherwise ridiculing you.
• Gaslighting you, or attempting to make you question your sanity.
• Denying that an event or conversation took place, or lying about it.
• Invading your privacy, including monitoring your text messages, emails, and social media.
• Punishing you for not doing what they want.
• Trying to control your life.
• Treating you like you are inferior.
• Being constantly criticized.
• Expecting you to always agree with their opinion.
• They are so unpredictable and erratic that you’re constantly on edge.
• Isolating you from family and friends.
• Taking or hiding your keys to prevent you from leaving.
• Accusing you of cheating.
• Being jealous of other relationships you have.
• Making subtle or overt threats.
• Withholding attention and affection.
• Giving you the silent treatment.

It can be tempting to dismiss experiences of abuse or to minimize them. However, it’s important to recognize emotional abuse and to name it as such, and this can help you stop the emotional abuse cycle. Being emotionally abused can break a person down and make them feel as though they are deserving of that unhealthy treatment, but everyone deserves to be treated with love, kindness, and respect, and that includes you.

Finding healing from emotional abuse

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can result in health issues such as eating disorders, anxiety, insomnia, stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, and depression. Additionally, the scars of emotional abuse won’t be visible to the naked eye, and it doesn’t leave bruises the way physical abuse does. However, emotional abuse wounds you deeply, and it manifests in feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, doubt, fear, and loss of sense of self.

Lastly, an emotionally abusive relationship can distort how you perceive yourself, and it can even result in you internalizing your abuser’s words and believing them to be true about you.

Recognizing emotional abuse is the first step to finding healing from it. It is also important to stop blaming yourself for the other person’s behavior. It isn’t your fault that the other person has treated you poorly; that is entirely out of your control, and you are not responsible.

Emotional abuse can lead you to think harsh and untrue things about yourself, and you can treat yourself unkindly and without love. Take care of yourself and make yourself a priority. That means eating well, getting rest, exercising, and getting into hobbies and activities that bring you joy.

It’s also important for you to establish firm boundaries and clarify that certain behaviors are out of bounds and there are consequences for violating those boundaries. One of the realizations that’s important to make is that you’re not responsible for their behavior, and you can’t be the one to fix them. If they are unwilling to change, it is not your responsibility to change them.

As you go along, it is also important to build a support network that can help you navigate this time of transition. Your network can help you craft an exit plan so that you can be safe.

Talk with trusted loved ones who can walk alongside you, and you can also reach out to a counselor who can help you process your experiences and give you tools to help you cope with and overcome the abuse. The counselors at our location would be happy to help you. Contact us today.