Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

The healthiest relationships draw out the best in people. They are based on qualities such as mutual respect, honesty, willingness to compromise, and vulnerability. Without these, it’s hard to form the bonds that give the depth and connectedness needed to make relationships meaningful. These qualities are what create emotional availability in a person for the sake of their relationships. Where these are lacking, it can make a person emotionally unavailable.

If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, the relationship can feel stagnant, surface-deep, and frustrating. It’s helpful to know the signs of emotional unavailability to make any needed adjustments in the relationship and how you relate to each other.

Defining Emotional Unavailability

A relationship functions best when it is a two-way street. Healthy relationships contain a good dose of give and take between the parties. While it’s never exactly fifty-fifty, the people in the relationship support each other and show up for each other in meaningful ways. They are aware of and take steps to care for each other’s needs. Likewise, they can share what they are feeling with one another.

An emotionally unavailable person will struggle with these elements of a relationship. They routinely won’t show up for their partner, and struggle to reciprocate by being aware of, prioritizing, valuing, or respecting the needs of their partner. They may come across as cold or detached, though that’s not always the case.

Being emotionally unavailable is rooted in childhood or life experiences. If a person is going through a tough season or issue like depression, or if they are pouring their focus into helping a loved one who’s struggling, or whose energy is being consumed by furthering their career, they may temporarily be emotionally unavailable.

Emotional unavailability may also occur if a person is recovering from an unhealthy relationship, and also due to childhood attachment issues.

This means that being emotionally unavailable is something that can occur for a season in a relationship, with things changing after that particular season is over. It also means that emotional unavailability isn’t something that a person necessarily chooses to do. It may be the result of instinctively putting up defenses to avoid being hurt in relationships, or to preserve what energy one has to survive or accomplish specific goals.

Signs of Being Emotionally Unavailable

A person’s emotional unavailability can make a relationship difficult. It can be hard to show up and support your partner if they cannot make their needs known. Likewise, they might not show up to meet your needs either. Emotional unavailability may be subtle and hard to pinpoint at times. Knowing the signs can help you identify the best way to respond.

Avoiding deep conversations

Relationships with substance will often wade into deep and heavy conversations. These may include sharing about your past. The emotionally unavailable person may be closed off, refuse to dig deeper, or even be dishonest about their past experiences and who they are as a person. They may also not show you or express what they feel or think about you.

Lacking empathy toward you

When you express your emotions, if your partner is unable or unwilling to feel and understand what you’re going through, that could be a sign of emotional unavailability.

Discomfort with your emotions

Likewise, someone may be emotionally unavailable if they become uncomfortable with or frustrated by your expressions of emotion. They may not be good and handling emotions, whether their own or yours.

No effort to deepen the relationship

An emotionally unavailable person will not be willing to or able to commit and act to deepen the relationship. This is especially the case if they say they want to commit, but their behavior says otherwise. For instance, if they are in a relationship with someone else, or they don’t make any plans to move your relationship forward.

Part of not deepening the relationship may also include not putting effort into the relationship. You initiate communication and plan for your time together, and they are typically reactive and not proactive.

Not committed – an emotionally unavailable person might not be inclined to make plans, whether for the relationship or even plans for dates. They may make plans, but then consistently blow off those plans at the last minute. They may avoid the word “relationship” and fail to deliver on promises made to deepen the relationship or take it further.

These are some of the signs of emotional unavailability in a partner, and they may resonate with what you’ve seen in your partner, or possibly in yourself. Being emotionally unavailable is not a fixed reality. Things can change.

Addressing Emotional Unavailability in a Relationship

When you’ve identified the behaviors that stem from emotional unavailability, they can be effectively addressed. Awareness of what’s going on is important, but equally important is the willingness to change. The work of instigating change should come from both partners for the relationship to be all it can be. Thus, you need to ask yourself whether you both want to put the work into the relationship to change things.

It can be helpful to speak honestly about how your partner’s emotional unavailability affects you. Their actions or posture isn’t a personal attack, and that should moderate how you approach the conversation. You have to decide for yourself what you can and cannot do, as well as know what is in your power to change. This can help you adjust your expectations accordingly.

It may take time to move beyond the current situation. Give your partner the space to learn how to open up and make changes. It’s not easy to be vulnerable and taking it slow helps. You and your partner can also talk with a counselor to work through any distress in your relationship, as well as learn new and healthier patterns of relating to one another.

Getting Help for the Emotionally Unavailable

If you sense that you need help opening up, or you are struggling to cope with a guarded partner, reach out to our offices today. We will make an appointment for you with one of the counselors in our offices. They will guide you through past traumas or experiences and help you develop the skills necessary for healthy communication and intimacy in your relationship.