Tips for Forgiving Family Members

Cultivating a healthy relationship with family members can be difficult. Growing up in a big family often leaves a person feeling like they were the least favorite. These feelings can sometimes lead to relationship problems between siblings. Forgiving family is one of the toughest things we can do to follow God’s instructions about forgiveness. We don’t always want to be the ones to initiate the process.

Forgiveness within the family dramatically improves the way a family functions. By employing forgiveness the dynamic of the family can become positive and uplifting, creating a healthy home environment for everyone. Even if the family has evolved to having adult children forgiveness will create a positive atmosphere during family get-togethers. This positivity created by adult children will lead to a healthier atmosphere for aging parents.

How do I start showing forgiveness to my family member?

Understanding the result of forgiveness comes from spending time with God. It is important to allow God to prepare your heart and mind to seek forgiveness. Allowing Him to lead you in this process is the key to obtaining true forgiveness. God’s love for us is based on forgiveness. He forgave us for sins so that we may be found in right standing with Him. We don’t always intentionally do something that hurts others. Regardless, we are still responsible for seeking forgiveness.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, ESV

Praying is the best way to understand how God wants you to approach the person. It will also help in understanding how to speak to them in a way that will be uplifting. God wants us to live in harmony. He intended for the His children to walk together in love. Sometimes you need help to understand the weight of forgiveness. Seeking counseling that will incorporate solid faith-based principles can help you sift through these challenges.

Acknowledge the offense

People are less likely to give forgiveness when it is given half-heartedly. The dynamics within the family can create challenges and offenses out of simple situations. You want to ensure that you understand what you did to offend. Then you can address it accordingly with a sincere apology. This may mean that you have to allow the person time to process and explain how they were affected by your actions or words.

After you have been provided with an explanation as to what happened then you can begin to acknowledge the offense. By understanding it from the other person’s point of view you are letting them know that their feelings are important to you. Understanding what happened also allows you to keep from repeating the behavior. Learning how to forgive is a process of understanding how the other person feels.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. – Proverbs 17:9, ESV

Time to apologize

Once you have sought God’s direction and gained an understanding of the offense, it is time to offer your apology. For the apology to be effective, you need to let the person know that you wish to rectify the damage that was done by your actions. Let them know that you are willing to fully understand the ramifications of the offense. It may make you feel vulnerable but ultimately, it is the best approach for forgiveness.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. – Colossians 3:12-13, ESV

Humility goes a long way in the process of forgiveness. Being able to put yourself aside for the sake of another can be difficult. God knows we are human. That is why He gives us instructions about walking in meekness and humility for the sake of peacekeeping.

What if the person doesn’t give me forgiveness?

Failing to forgive affects people in many ways. When consumed with holding on to an offense you can find yourself facing health problems such as chronic headaches and things such as ulcers. The tension that unforgiveness creates leads to a vengeful attitude that could also affect your health in the form of anxiety. It has been suggested that to survive and thrive as a family, forgiveness must be sought and granted. Sometimes we struggle with learning how to forgive because we were never taught.

When you are the one that isn’t granted forgiveness, you may face feelings of failure and inadequacy. This could lead to depression and prevent you from enjoying time with family. You could also find that you begin to isolate yourself from your family.

God never intended for families to be in strife with each other. Just as we are to love our neighbors, we are to love our family members. Creating strong bonds in the family unit is a way that we learn to overcome challenges together. Unity is a faith-based discipline that God gives.

Just because forgiveness has been given it doesn’t mean that the offense is less hurtful. Forgiveness isn’t easy. It isn’t a feeling that you get when someone apologizes. Forgiveness is choosing to experience the process of letting something painful go to restore a relationship.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” – Luke 6:37-38, ESV

Be kind to yourself

When you find that you are in the midst of a family issue don’t dwell on the problem. If you have been informed that you hurt someone, don’t sink into a pit of guilt. Take time to understand what occurred. Were you having a bad day? Did you misinterpret what someone else said? No one walking the earth lives a perfect life. Don’t get caught up in the guilt of accidentally hurting someone.

The enemy would love nothing more than for you to remain swimming in a cesspool of guilt and condemnation. That is not what God says about us when we sin. God says that we can go boldly before Him and ask for forgiveness. If you find that the relationship is negative and you have to remove yourself, then do so in a manner that reflects goodness.

There are times when forgiveness won’t repair the relationship. If you have tried to restore what you can on your end, then that is all you can do. Remember learning to forgive is a process for those on both sides of the offense. Be kind to yourself no matter which side you are on.

What does forgiveness look like?

When you are working through the process of forgiveness be sure to define what it will look like to you. Whether you are the one offended or the one apologizing, knowing what it looks like will help the process for both family members.

Make a note of what the relationship is worth to you. Is this person someone you wish to keep in your life at all costs? Can you move forward in life without this person’s presence? Understanding the value of relationships has an impact on how we process or interpret forgiveness.

Forgiveness may look like an apology with space for you to process the situation. For another person, forgiveness may be a heartfelt apology and dinner. Each of us processes pain differently so we will process forgiveness differently as well. Understanding that we don’t always see things the same way is beneficial to understanding what forgiveness looks like.

Don’t wait

Waiting to forgive someone or asking for forgiveness is not ideal. Take time to process what happened. When you know it’s time to proceed with seeking or giving forgiveness then don’t wait. The longer the silence in the relationship the harder it is to overcome the awkwardness that sets in because of misconceptions.

Don’t let the enemy lie to you and say it’s too late to apologize. It is never too late to restore a relationship. Much like God has done with us as we seek forgiveness we also need to follow through with apologies.

Forgiving family: Choosing to let it go

There comes a time when you must choose to let go of the situation. This means you make a conscious choice to move past the hurt and pain. You decide that holding a grudge is not worth the mental anguish. It’s not worth the feelings of anger when you see the other person. This is going to involve trusting that God will deal with the situation in its entirety.

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. – Hebrews 12:14-15, ESV

Allowing God to give you strength and guidance through His Word will help you work through both sides of forgiveness. God promises that in our weakness we find His strength.