Children’s Mental Health: Five Toxic Phrases NOT to Say to Your Kids

Most parents strive to be loving, supportive, and caring to their children. They read self-help and parenting books to learn how to be the best parents they can be. They painstakingly curate friendships to help their kids thrive and run to the rescue whenever someone says something offensive to them. They may even rehearse pep talks and thoughtfully craft sentimental birthday card messages.

And yet, even the most well-intentioned parents fall short of their own parenting ideals sometimes. In stressful moments, you might not take the time to consider your words. You might repeat phrases you heard growing up that seem to work in specific situations. Other times you might not be mindful of your words at all.

Some clichés and rote statements seem to be inherited as they have been used and reused by parents for generations. And they can creep out of your mouth without much forethought.

They might sound harmless, even motivating, but these common, seemingly benign comments can negatively impact children’s mental health and shape how your children view themselves and their place in the family.

Why can’t you be more like ____?

How does the old saying go: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

If you’re a parent and you don’t think your child is quite living up to their potential or is making questionable choices, you might be tempted to use peer pressure to motivate them into better choices. You point out the good things you see in others their age as a means of motivation.

To you, you’re showing them a good example of proper behavior. To them, you’re favoring someone else over them. While you might think that you’re motivating your child, you are likely pushing them into envy more than corrective action.

What children hear instead of a motivation speech is the painful message that they’re not enough for you. That you don’t think they’re smart enough or well-behaved or disciplined enough. That you, the one who is supposed to love them unconditionally, prefer another over them.

Your child was uniquely made, and comparing them to others distorts that beautiful truth. Or, as the saying goes, it robs them of their joy and can lead to a lifelong struggle with the insecurity of never being enough.

You’re getting big

What’s wrong with noticing that your child is so much bigger than when they wore that outfit last month? That’s a good thing, right?

Parents may mean, “Look how much you’ve grown,” or “I can’t believe how fast time is going by.” But for children, especially as they become increasingly aware of their bodies, this comment can land differently than intended.

The occasional neutral observation about growth doesn’t cause devastating harm, but repeated evaluation can. Rather than hearing admiration or mere observation, children may hear an evaluation of their size. Even young kids can begin to internalize that having their body monitored, commented on, or judged is normal, and that is not a lesson you want to teach your children.

Western culture is already obsessed with weight and appearance, so comments about a child’s body, no matter how well-intended or casual, can teach them that their value is tied to how they look rather than who they are in Christ.

In addition, when these body comments come from parents, it can normalize them so your child ingests body comments as valid from anyone and everyone, essentially giving an open door for the world to dictate your child’s self-worth based on appearance only.

You ate more than I did

This phrase often slips out without any intention to shame, but as a simple observation or even in jest. But children are keen observers, and comments about how much they eat can quickly turn toxic.

When adults point out portion sizes or compare their own eating habits to a child’s, kids can misinterpret the messaging. While the comment might be thought of as a nonchalant observation to you, it lands as a criticism and comparison to them. This can affect their eating habits and create a toxic relationship with food. Associating food with criticism or shame may contribute to disordered eating patterns.

As their parent, it’s your duty to provide healthy foods and balanced meals. It’s important that you teach your child about good eating habits and to model normal portion sizes. But rather than commenting on how much your child eats, trust that their growing bodies know what they need. And if you have a concern, talk with your child’s pediatrician.

Give them a hug

It can feel pretty awkward for you when your child is in a social situation where a friendly hug might be expected. Meeting distant relatives for the first time, seeing grandparents after a long time apart, or saying goodbye to a friend after a play date may feel like the proper time for an embrace.

If you’re an outgoing, tactile person, you might feel that it’s natural to hug in these social situations. You might even want to encourage your child to be friendly and develop a habit of open affection.

But when you pressure your child to give physical affection that they’re not comfortable with, you aren’t really teaching them how to be openly affectionate. The message that they’re likely receiving is that their personal boundaries are less important than someone else’s feelings or their own social comfort.

Even when the request comes from a safe and familiar adult, like a parent, being told to “just give them a hug” removes a child’s autonomy over their own body. And as they mature, it can make it more difficult for them to recognize when something feels wrong or to speak up when their boundaries are crossed.

As you work on this as a parent, it will be important for you to teach your children how to speak up for themselves in a respectful way when the situation arises. For example, it will be beneficial for you to teach your child to say something like, “I am not ready for a hug right now.” Or, “I can give you a high five.”

Stop crying

For years, society has told children to “stop crying.” On the surface, it’s seen as an attempt to get the child to learn emotional regulation. It’s meant to calm a tense situation. But under those surface-level goals lies a toxic concept.

By telling your children to “stop crying,” you are denying them the right to feel and react authentically. You are dismissing or minimizing their experiences and telling them that their tears need to be stopped so that those around them aren’t uncomfortable.

Healthy emotional regulation is different than silencing emotions. Regulation invites children to acknowledge their feelings and guides them through them. With repeated orders to simply squelch their tears, children will eventually see their emotions as something that must be hidden rather than naturally expressed. And while parents might look at this as emotional regulation, in truth, it’s emotional suppression.

Seeing your child cry is an opportunity to validate feelings, empathize, and teach proper emotional expression. Asking an emotional child questions can teach them to more readily identify why they are emotional in the first place. This will lead to an opportunity for them to actually process a triggering situation and learn from it. Suppressing emotions will eventually lead to negative self-worth.

Godly parenting

The gift of parenthood also comes with responsibility. Many parents like to quote the first part of Ephesians chapter 6, where children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, because it is right. It tells children to “Honor your father and mother”. But the directive doesn’t stop there. The Bible holds both sides responsible for the health of the parent-child relationship.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord – Ephesians 6:4, NIV

That verse is key.

Scripture doesn’t give parents unchecked authority as many may think. It places a clear responsibility on them to not provoke and to instruct and discipline with love. Colossians 3:20-21 also tells parents not to embitter their children so they will become discouraged (NIV).

Obedience grows best in a loving and respectful environment, not in the middle of fear and domination. And because of this directive, it’s important to choose your words prayerfully and wisely.

In Matthew 12:36, Jesus says that people will have to give an account for every “idle word” they speak. Idle words aren’t always cruel or even intentional, but they are still damaging. And in parenting, they’re often thoughtless, habitual phrases spoken without a second thought but with great consequence.

Therapy

If you grew up in a household that used these and other toxic phrases, you might use them too. Without forethought or concern for consequences, you just repeat what you’ve been told and what has been modeled for you.

But with maturity and knowledge comes the obligation to do better than you were given. And now you know. You know that these phrases that spill from your mouth out of habit and history are not benign or neutral but are toxic and potentially harmful to your children.

If you need help identifying areas in your own upbringing that are affecting your parenting, please contact our reception team today to schedule an appointment with me or another capable counselor in our online directory.

Together, you and your therapist can rewind your life, identify the areas that left an impression on you, and that are still shaping you as a parent and person.